A challenge

A few weeks ago LSM issued me a challenge to state my "thoughts on the joys (or travails) of mothering."

Is it wrong that I had a lot of problems thinking up something to write about it? Then Fly Guy sent me a link to this blog. It is about postpartum depression.

I don't remember History Girl's newborn days that well. I remember wanting to hit my MIL after she asked me if I had bonded with History Girl and would I run in front of a bus to save her. I didn't say anything right away because it was such a far out question typical of my MIL. It just annoyed me. I am not sure when I bonded with History Girl, it didn't happen like it does on TV and in the movies when they hand you the baby and all you feel is love for that baby. I didn't have thoughts of hurting History Girl, just bonding didn't come quickly. I wrote it off as the fact that I had never been around babies. I never took care of babies. History Girl's diapers were the first diapers I ever changed. I never babysat, I made more money lifegaurding so babysitting never made sense to me. So I wrote bonding issues off as being very new to the baby thing and having problems breastfeeding. The bond was something that grew slowly. It was there sometime around the time History Girl was 13 months old when she broke her elbow.

Horse Girl was born when History Girl was 3.5 years old. I didn't expect the bonding to happen right away because it didn't with History Girl. I did expect breastfeeding to be a problem so I was ready for that. Breastfeeding was hard work and we had a lactation consultant come to the house to help and had a nurse come to the house to weigh Horse Girl every other day or so. It finally worked out and I thought since breastfeeding was working out I will bond quicker this time. Well that wasn't the case.

When Horse Girl was about a month or two old. I remember not being able to handle the girls any more. I was a failure as a mother and I had to get out of there. I left the house and went to the garage planning to leave the girls in the house a lone and run away. Once I got to the car I found I had a flat tire. So I couldn't go anywhere. When I look back at that situation, that is when I truly believe that there is some sort of higher power, because if there wasn't a flat tire who knows what I would have done, how long the girls would have been a lone, what I would have done to myself and stuff like that. I ended up going back inside and calling my OB/GYN and telling her what happened. She called in a prescription for an antidepressant. My father picked it up for me and brought it to me. Once I started taking the meds, I remember Horse Girl's smiles and how wonderful they were, I think I bonded with her with in a few weeks after starting the meds. I was on the medication for about 6 months to a year.

I rarely talk about the postpartum depression because that whole time of my life is so foggy to me that I just don't remember it. I think I suffered from postpartum depression on various levels from the time History Girl was born until I was on medication. I wish I had realized what was going on at the time. I feel like I missed History Girl's newborn and toddler years....I am glad I took a lot of photos and notes so I can look back on them.

I don't think this is what LSM was looking for when she issued the challenge, but this is my response. I hope that having another mother come out of the closet when it comes to PPD that it will make it easier for new mothers to realize it happens it is normal and get help.

OK, so I covered the travails, how about a few joys.

I love that at 9 years old Horse Girl still loves cuddles and she tells me that I am a good cuddler.
I love that History Girl feels she can share her private writing with me.
I love that History Girl's friends see me as a cool mom and like hanging out at our house.
I love watching both girls become more grown up every day and seeing glimpses of the adults they will be one day.

I know there are other things I love, but can't think of them right now. :-)

Tales of The Red Panda: The Crime Cabal

Awhile back I wrote about one of my favorite podcasts, The Red Panda Adventures by Decoder Ring Theatre. Gregg Taylor the writer and owner of The Red Panda came out with with a Red Panda book written in the tradition of the 1930's and 1940's pulp adventure magazines, titled Tales of The Red Panda: The Crime Cabal. I placed a pre-order for the book...well two copies of the book....sometime in August. It finally showed up last week. I read it in less then 24 hours....the only other time I have done that is with the Harry Potter books....with my learning differences reading takes a lot of effort and it tires me so it has to be a good book for me to read it that quickly and not notice getting tired from it.

The book covers the time between the first season and second season. It fills in some of the background that is hard to put in an audio show. It tells the story of how one of my favorite Agents of the Red Panda became an agent. Since it is written in a third person omniscient narrator style, we get a peek into the minds of the Red Panda and the Flying Squirrel, which was nice.

I can't write too much about the book, because all the people who placed a pre-order haven't gotten their books so I have to keep quiet about it. It was a book that was well worth the wait. Thank you Gregg for such a great treat and I hope there will be more to come.

Here is more info about "Tales of The Red Panda: The Crime Cabal."
Here is a link to Decoder Ring Theatre if you are going on a long car trip or something like that their podcasts are great to listen to then.

Facebook Meme

I stole this from Trees and flowers and birds!

Guidelines:
1. Put your iTunes or Windows Media Player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your next answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how outrageous it sounds!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the note from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS, “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
“Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by The Doors I have no idea what that would mean. :-)


WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“Sugar Magnolia” by Greateful Dead “She pays my ticket when I speed.” I could be like Sugar Magnolia, a good partner in a relationship paying speeding tickets, dancing a Cajan rhythm, and discovering the wonders of nature. I have no idea. :-)


WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Mack the Knife” by Ella Fitzgerald I know what that means....I like a person who can think on their feet and that really discribes Fly Guy. In this version Ella forgets the words to the song and like any good jazz singer she makes it up without losing a beat and that is why I love her as a singer. Fly Guy always is able to think on his feet in a way that I can and I admire him when it comes to that.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
“Five Feet High and Rising” by Johnny Cash Life’s Purpose....well maybe get out of a tough spot and help other people out. I have no idea...I am reaching. :-)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
“Sychronicity II” by The Police Well The Police have been my favorate band since about 1981 or 1982. But I do believe that there is a synchronicity and something just are ment to happen in they way the do. There is just a synchronicity in how and when events happen and you might now know why at the time but sooner or later it will all become clear and that it happened for a reason.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“Space Oddity” by David Bowie I am not sure how I feel about that ...either they think I am odd or that I am a depressed astronaut. hmmm...not sure how to take that :-)


WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
(“Darlin’) You Know I Love You” by Tina Turner I do think about Fly Guy often and he would be the only person in my life I would think about calling “Darlin’” and it is unlikely I would even call him that.


WHAT IS 2+2?
“Mama Kin” by Aerosmith If anyone has something to connect these please tell me.


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
“The Figure 11” by The Mother Hips I have no idea with this one either.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
“Beer for My Horses” by Willie Nelson Fly Guy has a stong sence of right and wrong and he will fight to the end to get what is right. The people that stand by him and support him he treats well giving Wiskey to his men and beer to their horses...well figurtivly I think Horse Girl would be upset if he gave horses beer.



WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“Green Suede Shoes” by Black 47 I have no idea what this has to do with my life story except it is fun to play very loud and dance around the kitchen to. :-) The song is more or less about a Hard Irish Rock band making it through the US. ...that is the watered down version. :-)


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
“Tempted” by Squeeze Hmmmm....I think I am going to just leave this one be.


WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
“Come Together” by Peanut Butter Disco Hmmm...I will leave that one be also.



WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
“Sad and Deep As You” by Traffic Not even close to the song we danced to at our wedding, but we did listen to a lot of Traffic and Blind Faith (the two bands share two musicians) when we first were dating. We requested that “Can’t Find My Way Home” by Blind Fairth be played at our wedding, but they wouldn’t do it during the dancing part only the eating.


WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“If I Ever Leave this World Alive” by Flogging Molly Accually I have always figured this is a song that will be played at Fly Guys wake. A lot Irish beer and wiskey flowing and some hard Irish Music.


WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
“Living in The Past” by Jethro Tull Well this is just too good. Being a person who loves reading History books...so in a way my hobby is living in the past.


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“What A Wonderful World” by Joey Romone That my friends make my life a wonderful world, but in order to be my friend they have to be a little different so that is why it is Joey Romone rather then Louis Armstong. :-)


WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
“Empty Bed Blues” by Beasie Smith Well that says a lot....something happening to Fly Guy and him not being around is one of the worst thing that could happen, but I won’t say it is the worst thing that could happen because the worst thing is always something you didn’t think of.


HOW WILL YOU DIE?
“House Burning Down” by The Jimi Hendrix Experince The last two have been too freaky.


WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
“The Big Race” by Mark Isham The fact I didn’t swim in enough big swim meets when I was growing up? Your guess is as good as mine.

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
“”Permanent Waves” by The Kinks Well the thought of my hair curly is a bit of a laugh plus the lyrics to many Kniks songs are so funny.

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
“Solsbury Hill” by Peter Gabriel Well I guess in a way it does I once had a good friend who loved Peter Gabriel, so all Peter Gabriel’s songs remind me of her and the thought of a friendship dieing is sad.

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
“I’d Wait a Million Years” by The Grass Roots If I wasn’t already married this would be the perfect answer.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
“Hot Rich Girls Dropped in a Grange (Gwen Stefani vs Snoop Dogg vs ZZ Top) by Torero (This is a mashup that is when someone takes a bunch of songs and take them apart and put them together in a new way that is suprisingly good a lot of times.)

If I knew how Hot Rich Girls are being dropped in a Grange it would scare me.


DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
“Beach Party Vietnam” by The Dead Milkmen Hmm...that is interesting I have a whole beach party that likes me.

What's your word

Your Word is "Peace"

You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of. Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you. While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life. You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

What's Your Word?

Excited

History Girl has wanted to switch from French Horn to precusion for awhile now and today she had her try out to see if she could make the switch. The band director couldn't believe how far History Girl came in 3 months. History Girl is much happier on the drums then she was on the French Horn she plays the drums for fun, she played the French Horn because she was one of the few who could do it. So because she finds it fun, we are going to continue private drum lessons as well as lessons at school. If I can get her in we will try to send her to band camp again, she is excited about that because precussion had a lot more fun in her eyes then the brass secsion did.

Oh a quick update on the Asperger's...the school has already called in a person they use to get a clearer diagnous. We haven't even had the meeting and they are right on top of it.

History Girl

Well in the Fall we decided to have the school give History Girl a full battery of tests to see if we were missing something to cause her not to be able to preform to the level we know she should be doing.

Most of the academic tests came back saying that she was average, above average or well above average. We knew that and that is why we had the testing done because that is not how she is preforming at school.

Yesterday we got the psychological evaluation report back. Well we got that back and well there is where the problem lies. It seems she might have Asperger's or maybe high functioning autism, they want to do more testing to figure it out. We have a meeting on Friday.

Reading the report and knowing what I do about Asperger's it does fit. It actually fits really well, so well that I am feeling quite a bit of guilt for not picking it up earlier. I just thought she was quirky....she is a kid of two geeks, so quirky is normal, but knowing what we know about geeks and their tendency to Asperger's maybe I should have figured this out earlier.

I feel bad because with Horse Girl I could tell the signs right away. She was following in my footsteps with my learning differences, so I picked it up right away. She was in special services before she was 3 years old. I keep wondering what sort of dis-service did I do to History Girl for not being right on it like I was with Horse Girl.

Once again I love our school system. The school is already getting things in place for her. I have been exchanging emails with the Social Worker all week. We will be setting up an IEP on Friday. No arguing or fussing or demands or anything, they just do what is right, which is nice.

So that is what is going on right now and you most likely will be hearing from me again on Friday when I need

PS Before I got to post this the Social Worker at History Girl's school called me to make sure all is ok. She told me that she and History Girl had a great meeting this morning and things are on track. Isn't that just a wonderful thing for someone in the school system to do?

Have You Ever?

Have You Ever?

I stole this from Trees and flowers and birds!



1. Have you ever been on TV? Yes several times.

Once to talk about the pressure society puts on women to breastfeed. Since History Girl wasn’t able to breastfeed and even LLL members said there was a reason bottles were invented. Then Horse Girl breastfeed forever. I was viewed as a person who could see both sides.

Once about the importance of giving blood.

Once just before I did a polar bear dip on January 1st. They wanted to know what causes a seemingly normal person to jump in the ocean in the middle of a Maine Winter. The answer is it was there, it looked interesting and I am not one to back away from trying something just because it is odd.

2. Have you ever sung in public? Only when they made me in school.

3. Have you ever dyed your hair blond? A blond streak to make putting non-natural colors in my hair easier, but never 100% blond.

4. Have you ever eaten frogs’ legs? Nope never.

5. Have you ever received a present that you really hated? Yes. I had a friend who thought of herself as creative and she was in many different ways. She would make me gifts and well she was never able to made something in a style I liked. So every time she gave me a gift I was torn because I was pleased she cared about me enough to make me a gift, but it never seemed that she cared to make something I would like, just she was making that sort of thing at the time and she would just do one more and give it to me as a gift. After awhile the emotional struggle I had with every gift she made me just got so huge I hated all the gifts she made me. That might make me a bad person because I really disliked her handmade gifts....but anyone who knows me knows a pink batik of a cat framed in a acrylic box frame just isn’t me and she just didn’t care to get it.

6. Have you ever walked into a lamp post? No. Rode my bike in to a fence and flipped over the fence yes. :-)

7. Have you ever cooked a meal by yourself for more than 15 people? No, never by myself. Fly Guy is a much better cook then I am so I leave the big meals for him to do and I just help.

8. Have you ever fallen or stumbled in front of others? Does the day end in a y, if it does I most likely did it today.

9. Have you ever done volunteer work? Yes. Sexual Assault Response Services, Toy Fund, and in the girls school